he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
