Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
