I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
