If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
