people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
