what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
