Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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