What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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