My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
