tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize