STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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