Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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