I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
