look no pants
I can text with my tongue
Someone shit on the floor
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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