maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
