I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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