I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
