I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
