this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
