I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Drake has all the answers
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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