I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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