I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
