im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
