My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
