I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
