A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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