Only a mothe r could love this liver
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
