when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
