I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
These tits shall not be calmed
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
