Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
