Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
its liver damage thursday
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
