i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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