I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
