Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
