3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
