Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
