saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
