When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
