Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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