i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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