Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
