Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
