Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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