I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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