my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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