I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
