The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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