was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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