I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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