I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
