wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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