I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
