Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
