he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
